· It's been a bit since I've done online dating, but I imagine not much has changed. If I were to all of a sudden not email or not return a call, in any situation, it's probably because · Online dating has taught me a valuable lesson- namely, that I am allowed to want what I want. And if what I want seems incompatible with what A Guy wants, that does not · Scody and desjardins are on target -- but I would also add: *be judgmental -- the philosophy of Blink is very apropos here -- as you should be "on guard" for things that just · Online dating is just hard and if any people at all are responding you're doing well. Remember that you don't know the circumstances of the people you're messaging on there AdCompare Top 10 Online Dating Sites - Try the Best Dating Sites Today!Dating Sites Comparison · Special Offers · Meet The Best Canadians · Date in Your AreaService catalog: Dating Wizard, Personalising Your Result, Safe & Secure Profiles ... read more
Same goes with social media. There are lots of other tricks: make it black and white, only access it via a computer browser, etc. It's not a moral failing to have stress around social media and dating. I would try to tackle it via limiting your access to this information because otherwise, you are constantly exerting willpower, and that can be exhausting.
Also, I am going to suggest a reframing of something you didn't even ask about. You said: I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best version of myself in that relationship.
Look, this is what we all want. And that's what we can often bring in early dating. But our best selves are not always our truest selves. So here's what I'd say: I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best authentic version of myself in that relationship.
Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. We think we want folks to see us at our best. But really what we need is people who still want to be around us at our worst. posted by bluedaisy at PM on September 14 [ 1 favorite ]. Social media is addictive, even without the way it fosters parasocial relationships. It's just so easy to open and get that hit.
Even a pretty landscape photo from a total stranger stimulates your brain with its novelty. We just didn't really evolve to deal with that kind of stimulation well.
It's not just that you "catch" infatuations easily, it's that intensive use of social media is promoting those feelings. It's a vicious circle, and the easiest part of the circle to cut is probably going to be the social media. I think it's pretty normal to check out the social media profiles of people you're dating. It just sounds like you're taking it to an extreme and that is not helping you.
Strategies for reducing your social media use probably WILL help you. Blocking apps will help you limit social media use, while replacement with another mentally rewarding activity might help reduce the obsessive thoughts - which I also think will fade over time as you don't feed into them. Of course I'm just guessing here. This might be complete bullshit, but consider it if it resonates for you. posted by Kutsuwamushi at PM on September 14 [ 2 favorites ].
I find that for me, it is best to not try to interact with people who I know offline on social media. All of my social media accounts that are tied to my IRL identity and friend group are basically dormant. Am I being too uptight? Or am I not giving these guys enough chances? I've dated a fair amount, but essentially have never been in a long-term relationship.
It just never seems to work out. Happy to answer other questions. You're being totally reasonable. The thing with online dating is that there are a lot of people out there on the internet who are looking for different things - hookups, insta-partners, whatever, and that makes it harder for you when you're looking for something that takes a slower pace on both counts because you have to filter it, but what you want is reasonable, and how you're handling it is just fine. Take these signs as red flags and move on.
You're not going to find the person you're looking for by tolerating more nonsense that you're not into. posted by bile and syntax at AM on November 19, [ 25 favorites ]. As as single woman who's been dating online - on and off - for some time, I'd be uncomfortable with both of the situations you describe and wouldn't take things any further with either. I put in my profile that I'm looking for someone who wants to take things slow.
This seems to weed out some of the men who aren't looking for the same things - provided they read my profile. posted by bunderful at AM on November 19, [ 9 favorites ]. You are not being uptight, at all. You are respecting your very reasonable boundaries that are important for your emotional and physical safety. That gets a hard pass from me. posted by bilabial at AM on November 19, [ 14 favorites ]. I theorize that there are three categories in the pool: a desperate for sex, b desperate for a relationship, and c not desperate.
But forcing people into a category as a short-hand may short-change your opportunity to see a more complex person. posted by puddledork at AM on November 19, [ 1 favorite ]. Both of the scenarios you describe would gross me out, too. I don't think it sounds like you're forcing people into categories, but rather that you're recognizing the category that they're very clearly showing you they are part of through the behaviors they're choosing.
Bile and syntax has it exactly right: You're not going to find the person you're looking for by tolerating more nonsense that you're not into. posted by DingoMutt at AM on November 19, [ 22 favorites ]. Think of it this way: we all want to be in a relationship with someone who has good judgment. These actions are showing you that these particular men do not have good judgment. posted by Automocar at AM on November 19, [ 8 favorites ].
So both of the guys that I went on second dates with that wanted to do the 36 questions turned out to be MAJOR creeps. My theory is that this is because those questions are designed to build intimacy way too fast. These are things you'll just learn over time as you date a person. When guys want to do the questions this is, at least for me, a giant red flag. You don't have to give people chances if you don't want to do so.
I don't give chances to the 36 questions askers anymore. I also don't go on dates with the hyper sexual guys who push me for sex too fast. They've always turned out to be creeps, too. You do you and date who you want and if you're turned off by something it is FINE to just walk away, especially this early in the dating process. I'll say this: my dating life has gotten a lot easier the more ruthless I have gotten with my own boundaries.
Best of luck. posted by sockermom at AM on November 19, [ 25 favorites ]. A lot of people, after 30, are ready to cut to the chase. To have sex soon if it seems like fun, to open themselves up to emotional intimacy quickly. I don't think it's fair to judge people for that. But if that's not your scene, you shouldn't put yourself through it!
You might consider putting something in your profile like "I like to move slowly" to hopefully give them a clue to back off. posted by metasarah at AM on November 19, [ 4 favorites ]. I am a not straight guy who is pretty open to moving forward quickly in relationships.
So when i started reading your question I thought maybe I'd see some of myself in these guys and give the general advice that it's perfectly fine to want and look for people who like taking things the same speed as you.
Then I read the actual situations and was like "HAHAHAHA heck no. You are fine. You are very fine. Keep those boundaries.
posted by Zalzidrax at AM on November 19, [ 28 favorites ]. Starting chatting with another guy online. Straight 38 year old man here, so broadly in your target market. Will happily move one to physical stuff on the second or even the first date if it looks like there's mutual interest. This is not fast-moving-dater behavior, this is clueless bozo behavior. Unfortunately, the low cost of online dating will encourage such ridiculous antics from men the theory being, there's a chance she's into it and hot sex magically ensues?
I don't know. Reject with extreme prejudice and go on your merry way. posted by Dr Dracator at AM on November 19, [ 5 favorites ]. Like one guy was the spitting image of my brother and that was just ew. So you can imagine with those kind of experiences, my self-esteem might have suffered a wee bit and I didn't find it in me to tell the truth about why I wasn't interested, and I hate to lie.
However, usually, I did. posted by b33j at PM on December 13, I'll give specifics: I'm terrible at correspondence. If an email exchange isn't keeping my attention, I'll forget to respond, even if it's a good friend of mine, but especially if it's a stranger on the internet. I try to always return phone calls, it just may take me awhile. But I hate talking on the phone, so if someone leaves me a pointless message, like "hey what's up?
what are you doing? we should hang out call me" I would be less likely to make an effort. posted by muddgirl at PM on December 13, Oh, you wanted specific reasons. What Lychee said: procrastination 2. What everyone else said: they guy said something in the email that just turned me off. Either talked about living for [insert sports team] boring! or maybe an ass man. it varries. Do you have big boobs" again, need I explain?
The guy said something that made me realize that we weren't a match for ideological reasons ex. he says "I voted for bush and I'd do it again! he says "I go to church every sunday" 4. I just got a creepy feeling from the guy, even though I couldn't point to one particular comment. Now, reasons I wouldn't return a phone call: 1. Shyness - I generally have a problem getting up the nerve to call anyone - even friends - because I worry I'll be bothering them or catch them at a bad time 3.
I didn't like his voice, he sounded dorky, etc. Why I broke off email exchanges with various guys: a it became apparent that his grasp of grammar was woefully inadequate b for some reason I got a "creepy" vibe from him c he was unwilling to say much about himself via email, but kept pushing for an in-person meeting sorry, but I don't want to waste my time if you won't even tell me if we have basic interests in common d he said his favorite non-fiction book was the DaVinci Code e sex-talk way too early in the relationship f there wasn't anything wrong with him , it's just that someone else I was writing seemed to have more relationship-potential and he did!
I married him this summer posted by belladonna at PM on December 13, [ 1 favorite ]. If I give someone my number and they call me immediately i get skeeved out.
I also stop talking to them online at that point because it's rude to give fully mixed signals. I don't really feel bad for blowing people off if they leave insane-sounding aggressive voice mails for me twice a day. I am a shy person, so probably half the girls out there get turned off if you wait too long to call. To be honest, I'm a pretty huge bitch when it comes to rejection. I write a lot of Dear Johns involving ridiculously long metaphors explaining why I think dear John is a giant goiter on society's neck.
So becoming silent is kind of a compliment, for me personally. posted by shownomercy at PM on December 13, [ 1 favorite ]. When I was doing the online dating thing these are various reasons that I ceased contact with guys: 1.
The guy pursued me even after I demurred I said, "Oh, I'm really too busy to meet up right now," and he responded with, "Looks like I should just start sending flowers to where you work then! I got overloaded with responses and couldn't keep up, and the guy took offense and sent me an irate message asking why I wasn't emailing him 3. I met someone awesome and stopped corresponding with everyone else I was speaking with 4.
There was just no chemistry 5. There was a vague, creepy vibe Whenever I felt the least bit uncomfortable with someone I'd stop corresponding immediately.
That's a luxury of online dating if someone creeps you out, you cut them off. I've also been in a number of situations that left me wondering, "Well, what did I do? Eventually I learned to just move on and find someone who enjoyed talking with me.
And I can vouch for the fact that online dating does work, since I met my husband drezdn on OK Cupid. posted by christinetheslp at PM on December 13, he makes any mention of sex, even a mild "innocent" joke most men have learned not to do this, so it is basically an intelligence test 2. he fails to provide requested proof of identification as a real person!
procrastination on my part; it is physically impossible to reply to everyone 4. he can't formulate a coherent sentence how will he proofread for me? he asks trite questions with obvious answers makes 3 highly likely because I'm prejudiced that stupid people are more likely to become stalkers 6. he asks uninteresting questions I wouldn't have any fun answering makes 3 highly likely 7.
he asks questions I don't have time to answer makes 3 highly likely 8. instead of needing to ask questions, he is obviously PSYCHIC and delivers deep, ruminative insights into what kind of a person I am and why he and this person would be perfect together making 3 more likely because I would rather verify with HippieShack78 that I am in fact deathly afraid of motorcycles; it was not a joke 9.
instead of asking questions, he is God's Gift to Womankind and already knows that he is exactly what I want; now it is my job to impress him making 3 more likely because I am having too much fun telling JoeBlow about my favorite type of breakfast cereal instead of asking questions, he takes his paycheck as an indication of his understanding of human nature and delivers translucent sales pitches implying what kind of a person I am and how he can give that person whatever she wants making 3 more likely because I'd rather explore a job offer at BluerEyes4U's brokerage firm or see if SoandSO77 will let me take photos of the data center 6.
he offers me a romantic vacation, most commonly involving a situation alone with him in the middle of a large body of water 7. his sense of humor doesn't appeal to me many people have learned not to display their senses of humor in e-mail for this reason, making 3 more likely when there are no decent questions to answer 8.
the emotional tone of his attempts to overcome 3 even very vaguely hint that he has taken the slightest offense at anything I ever did or failed to do an irrational reaction on his part because I don't even know him and in most cases still have NO proof that he is even a real person posted by srs at PM on December 13, Most of my reasons are similar to some of the other posters, however I'll add my 2 cents into the discussion.
Three big reasons that I stop answering emails: 1 The person writes several times over a period of weeks and never offers to meet. Don't get me wrong, I want to get a feel for the other person, know his interests, etc. I may get an initial email stating he has the same hobbies and then in the second or third email will say he will mention that he has never owned legos, never tried eclairs, or been in a forest, etc, but gee he would do those things if he had someone to do them with.
I think I am thrown by that because the person is just trying to fit a mold and does not have I guess any interests. If the person were honest from the start and said - I love eating cupcakes, scuba diving, and reading comic books - I would find that more interesting than a person pretending to have interests that were never even real.
The same way that some people are looking primarily for looks or aesthetics, I am looking for someone who is really intelligent, Some emails reflect little thought or neurons or so it appears. As for the phone, I will break the trend here and say that I really don't care overall what the person sounds like or the message sounds like. I may email the person back and say 'sorry I missed your call', but I have a hard time calling.
posted by Wolfster at PM on December 13, I just want to say, I think it's a mistake to see this as a gender issue from the beginning. I'm a guy, I'm not even very attractive, and in online dating I've found that I'm the one who loses interest a significant percentage of the time almost always, for one of the reasons listed above by the women who have answered.
For example: - I recently wrote one woman back, telling her that her initial message to me was ridiculously generic, and I didn't believe she even read my profile she responded angrily that I was wrong, but I don't care.
She asked me if I wanted to get together and I said yes and then never contacted her again, because it was easier than saying no. It's not that I don't want to see them, but the fact they would offer is just so weird that it makes me certain something else is going on that I don't ever want to find out about. Here is the core issue: Both of these situations are pretty confounding, because, as the man, you never get any explanation of what you did wrong, and don't know what to do in the future to avoid the same fate.
The problem is that you are probably not doing anything wrong. All of us, including men, make decisions about who we're going to spend more time with, and many of those decisions are ultimately arbitrary. Nobody owes you an explanation for why they lost interest, and women are not unattainable sex goddesses who dole out favors to those who kiss their asses in exactly the right way at least not those worth pursuing.
posted by bingo at PM on December 13, [ 2 favorites ]. I think the history of our 21st century society is going to be long and tragic if we cast aside human beings who care about real things like they were consumer goods. Mark Twain once said "Be good and you will be lonely, most places", and to be honest I thought for a long time this site was one of the exceptions.
Today I don't believe a lot of what I am reading. You don't have to love everyone who sends you an im, but its a living, breathing human being on the other end - so I hope you all show some respect and can expect the same. I am crying in a metaphorical beer of course, but geez people other generations used to talk about the Golden Rule and its really not so outdated.
A lot of the hostility I detected here seemed to be undeserved. posted by Deep Dish at PM on December 13, [ 1 favorite ]. It can be hard to talk to someone on the phone for the first time, and if you can act like you're interviewing them a little, it will be more fun. Appropriate questions include: any siblings? where did you grow up?
what was that like? have you ever [insert an interest of yours: hiking, online gaming, whatever]? Like many have said above, stay away from sex-talk, and above all, keep it light.
No "asides" about how hard online dating is. Do not say anything cynical about how "women are" online. It's a big turn-off. No talking about loneliness. Act like you are meeting a new friend or colleague. I think the second phone conversation or an email after the first is a good time to ask for a date. Ask something specific e. do you want to meet to see art exhibit xyz and give them the option of suggesting something else if they want.
Long phone relationships prior to meeting have bored me into moving on several times. Again, good luck! If there are more than about 3 obvious typos but more than a couple of spelling mistakes, I stop replying. But true. Maybe I'm weird in this way, but I'd rather meet before I chat on the phone. That might freak some guys out. Sometimes they push it. Just not me, dude, no judgement. posted by tristeza at PM on December 13, See, back in the BBS days, more people were willing to just go ahead and have a brief coffee date.
In the post-BBS days I've run into more people that just wanted to spend time on the phone. They just wanted to talktalktalktalk on the phone but resisted meeting with excuses like "Oh, it's too soon. If I had met them in a bar, it wouldn't be "too soon" but because "Teh Internet" is involved, it's suddenly too soon? I finally decided to forget anyone that insisted on talking on the phone first.
I played along with it and had a few encounters where I spent literally HOURS chatting on the phone and when we finally met in person, I got an email shortly afterwards saying "I didn't feel any chemistry, so forget about it. Again, that has worked out great for me. Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers. They have lent some insight into a difficult situation.
Come say hello to the members of Metafilter's first Steering Committee! Online dating mysteries explained hopefully December 13, AM Subscribe This question is for women who have used online dating : What are your most common reasons for breaking off an email exchange with a man who you met through online dating? Also, once you have given the man your phone number, and he calls you, what are your most common reasons for not returning the phone call?
My question about breaking off email exchanges pertains to the following situations : 1 Where you sent the initial email, but eventually stopped returning his emails. My question about not returning phone calls pertains to the following situation - you've emailed back and forth a few times or IMed with each other , and you've given him your phone number.
He calls you, but you do not call him back. Both of these situations are pretty confounding, because, as the man, you never get any explanation of what you did wrong, and don't know what to do in the future to avoid the same fate.
However, the unreturned phone call is probably the most confounding situation of all. If she likes me enough to give me her number, why wouldn't she call me back when I call her? Are my voicemail messages really that bad? Or are women just fickle like that? Should I even bother trying to contact her again, or should I just give up? I'd say most of the time it's probably because they just don't feel a connection for one reason or another. It's probably not worth trying to find out the exact reason, because it's so subjective.
As for not returning calls, maybe she has realised she is uncomfortable with the prospect of meeting men this way, or has met someone else. Either way, people really ought to be direct. But that being said, just give it a limit say three unreturned calls or two weeks and let it go.
No, women are not "just fickle like that. posted by loiseau at AM on December 13, it could be any number of things, from perceived poor table manners to a misplaced comma to her being too busy to lack of connection to lack of common interests to you're-a-cat-person-she's-a-dog-person. posted by dirtynumbangelboy at AM on December 13, [ 1 favorite ]. It's been a bit since I've done online dating, but I imagine not much has changed. If I were to all of a sudden not email or not return a call, in any situation, it's probably because either I just determined things weren't going to work for some reason possibly just a feeling without concrete evidence and I didn't have the guts to say so or because someone else I was emailing with at the same time turned out to be a better option.
As for not returning a phone call after giving my number well, for me, voice might have a lot to do with it. It's a big turn on or turn off, so In my mind, online dating is kind of a loose area. It's sometimes easier though of course not necessarily better to just stop contacting the other person if I think things aren't going to work out.
No, it's not very nice. But it's my opinion. posted by bibbit at AM on December 13, There's as many different reasons as there are individual women, and individual men.
posted by matildaben at AM on December 13, She doesn't necessarily give you the number because she likes you. It's like a fake smile: It's easier than saying, "I don't think this is going to work out," which opens cans of worms. posted by Listener at AM on December 13, Of course. But the reasons cluster. posted by Aidan Kehoe at PM on December 13, [ 1 favorite ]. I often have a hard time just saying "No" when someone asks me for my phone number flat out.
It seems horrendously rude, and it can be easier to give it out with the expectation that I'll never return the guy's calls than it is to invent an excuse that sounds both plausible and polite on the spot. While in the overall scheme of things it's not polite to leave a guy's calls unanswered, either, there's something kind of deer-in-headlights about trying to say "no" to the number request.
I think it's because it's just such a fact-based question that refusing to answer it seems hideously mean. This obviously only applies if you have asked for the number. If she's given it out to you without your having asked, then something else is going on. posted by occhiblu at PM on December 13, never get any explanation of what you did wrong, and don't know what to do in the future to avoid the same fate.
You may not have done anything "wrong"; there's no magic behavior formula that makes women fall for you. There may just have been no spark. Things may have heated up with somebody else. If you haven't even met yet, maybe she's changed her mind about the safety of personals and online dating. Maybe she's crazy. Lots of possibilities. posted by JanetLand at PM on December 13, If I stop emailing or don't return a phone call, it's because something made me lose interest.
It could be something the guy said that turned me off, or it could be that I got busy or met someone else. Basically, everything bibbit said goes for me, too. posted by amro at PM on December 13, Response by poster: well, for me, voice might have a lot to do with it. I figured that this might be the case in some situations.
If you don't mind my asking, what makes a voicemail bad or good? posted by kenoshakid at PM on December 13, It's like a fake smile" Wow, that's pathetic. I'm not going to disagree with you because you're absolutely right, but the fact that it happens is pretty lame.
I wish that more people were just up front and honest about their feelings. I've been rejected on online dating sites more times than I can remember.
The very rare women that wrote back and told me WHY they weren't interested got a reply from me thanking them for being honest and wishing them good luck. the biggies? I have long hair, and I am child-free. On match. com in particular, the kid thing is a huge dealbreaker. keno: this doesn't just happen in the online dating arena, it's been happening for many many years.
Give her a call, leave a message, and if you don't hear back, call her once more a few days later. If she doesn't respond, tear up the number, throw it away, and move on. Last thing you want is someone thinking your stalking them or something.
All you can say is that you tried. Don't take it personally. It's probably not something that's wrong with you anyway. Keep your chin up and move on. posted by drstein at PM on December 13, Oh, and before anyone jumps down my throat, I followed my own advice a few years ago and met the most wonderful woman ever, and we've been together ever since. voicemail good: upbeat, straightforward, short.
No "um", no squeekiness, no agressiveness. Practice several times before calling. I would never pick up the phone when someone would call me, because the quality of their message determined whether or not they got a call-back.
Give me a call back when you get a chance at number. Looking forward to speaking with you. And then wait for her to call back. Even if it takes a week. Calling more than once without a return is a no-no when you are just getting to know someone. I think with email, you can email twice without getting a return. Met my current bf and the last one, a 2-year relationship through online dating.
I think it's a great way to meet people. Appearing to have more than 2 friends and more than 2 activities on your calandar make you seem normal and fun. It's possible--and advisable--to avoid emiting the scent of neediness while at the same time not being an asshole. There's no need to wait three days before calling after a date or any of that sort of goofiness. Good luck! posted by tk at PM on December 13, I met my current boyfriend through a dating site but I had to sort through a lot of weirdos and creeps before I met him not to imply that you are a weirdo or a creep.
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It happens. If you don't know how to write, check out other women's profiles that are your "competition. I had a guy on a first date respond very poorly once to the info that I had googled him, and I was just like look dude, we met on online dating. posted by JanetLand at PM on December 13, If the person were honest from the start and said - I love eating cupcakes, scuba diving, and reading comic books - I would find that more interesting than a person pretending to have interests that were never even real.Also, given that you're asking the question, I'm going to assume you're rather serious about this, and are willing to put in a significant amount of effort, time and money to make it work. I also stop talking to them online at that point because it's rude to give fully mixed signals. I'm looking for specifics here, ask metafilter online dating. Eventually I learned to just move on and find someone who enjoyed talking with me. After ask metafilter online dating week or two, we made plans to go to an art opening one night; as I was leaving for that date, I told a coworker, "well, this is it. Thirty percent of the respondents reported having sex on their first date.